I hate being stuck. Yeah. I hate it. Well, everybody does, right? Or maybe not? I don’t really know how you guys can cope with it, but mental suffocation is not exactly my appetite. I don’t crave for that thing.
Every morning, I wake up, cluelessly. It’s like standing in an elevator and not knowing to press which button. I start my mornings with the same routine. Alarms for 6, but always waking up at 6:30, racing to school on my electric bike (which I’m not exagerating any bit), attending classes, going home, sleeping, ocasionally extra classes. It has always been this way. You are probably judging me right now because it seems pretty normal and toleratable. I will admit, it used to be fine with me, me and my cannot-be-more-simple to-do list used to have an awesome relationship. Just him and me, chilling in my room and enjoying others’ companies. Then it simply stopped. Just like that. Being the girl who belonged to the past, to the unchanged dimension of life, I thought I was going to be fine with him. But I guess, I grew tired of his bland jokes, grew tired of his drowsy eyes and grew tired of his emptiness (literally). Highway with traffic jams, somehow. So I took my chance, and dumped him. I was a bit shocked with myself, because I loved him, but I got used to it, got used to his absence. I tried to do stuff and be more social active. I sought companies and relationships. I sought for adventures and changes. But nothing has ever happened. Not even joking here.
I’m currently at a loss. For everything. For words, for emotions, for motivations, for plans. I have so many things that I want to finish, there are so many dreams I want to get lost in and pursue unconditionally because that’s the way I am: young, free, and ambitious. I love it, I love the sensation I always get when I’m a little closer to what I want, and more important, what I need. That tingling, airy feeling is triggered somewhere in my brain and then the next thing I know, I’m on my full speed towards the twinkling and dazzling goals at the end of the road. Remember, impossibility is just a relative concept.
But it’s not just about getting your precious & delicious fantasies. It’s never that easy. Never in a million years. It’s about what they say, what they want and how they judge. Nobody knows exactly who they are. The only fact everybody knows is they exist. You have to think for someone else first: how your actions will reflect on others, what will you gain, what will PEOPLE gain…; otherwise you’ll be referred to in stories and small talks as selfish. You go to any length to meet their demands, only to find out that they are the most greedy creatures and to fulfil their needs is just simply unfeasible. Let’s face it, you remind yourself everyday to be true to who you are, stick to your colour and be your best, but then again, you shrink away when someone criticize you. Maybe you promise you’ll fight back tomorrow. Tomorrow is a mystical land where 99.9% of all human plans, motivations and achievements is stored. Tomorrow, then tomorrow tomorrow. It’s not right all the time, but it’s right most of the time. People, try to do it instead of talking about how inspired you are, how ready you are to do something that you always want, how confident you are when it comes to challenges. Don’t talk about it and then throw them into the sea of never-going-to-happen. Can you even like it when a person, hypocritically, goes back on his words as if they are forgettable and as light as air?
You can easily get lost in your hopes without realizing how dangerous they actually are. They make you believe in your strenght, blindly, make you hold onto every tiny little slippery legde as if you are dangling off a cliff. Hopes are like drugs, addictive. Building hope is like smoking weed, losing yourself in the smoke, feeling high and then being dropped back to reality, on your butt (ouch). (No I have never smoked weed in my entire life and probably never will, so I just know). It doesn’t mean that I support negativism, I support realism. Why floating on air, when you can stand tall on the ground and work things out?
I just want a way out. I can’t find my navigation. I’m feeling like I’m driving on an endless road, no stops, no gas stations, no towns. Just me, road, and sky. If there is a dead end. I don’t even want to imagine that scene. I know one thing and one thing only, it won’t be easy.